Second chances. Small-town secrets. Saucy hounds.

** Did you know you can try out one of the heartwarming Dog Town cozy-romance novels for free? Sign up here to learn more. **

It's spring in my part of the world and Dog Town continues to expand with the addition of Great and Small in Dog Town, Book 7 in the series.

A lonely heiress. A rundown hobby farm. A madcap menagerie of rescues in jeopardy.

This story is pure wish-fulfillment. I've always dreamed of owning a hobby farm, complete with goats, hens, pigs, plenty of dogs and cats... and an alpaca.

It's not going to happen for me, but luckily it can happen for Hannah Pemberton, the Dorset Hills ex-pat who comes home to rescue Runaway Farm from developers... and a more immediate threat.

I'll have to settle for this dynamic duo, and I really can't complain.

Riggs & Mabel

All it would take to make me blissfully happy is a ginger tabby. An alpaca is probably way more trouble than I imagine.

I hope you'll give the Dog Town series a try!

And don't forget the sweet and sassy YA rom-coms I wrote with Yvonne Collins.  Guaranteed to make your inner teen laugh out loud!

Dog Town Grows by Leaps and Bounds

Until six years ago, I was a diehard cat lady. Then I got my first dog ever and… I was a goner. A journalist by training, I decided to interview every expert I could find—trainers, breeders, groomers, walkers and more.

The journey ultimately brought me here…

And there are more!

Dorset Hills, better known as Dog Town, is famous for being the most dog-friendly place in all of North America. People come from near and far to enjoy its beautiful landscape and unique charms. Naturally, when so many dogs and dog-lovers unite in one town, mischief and mayhem ensue.

The dogs are the real stars of this new romantic comedy series. They’re at the center of every love story… every mystery… every town scandal. They expose people’s foibles and help them grow. If some scenery gets chewed up along the way, so be it!

What I can promise with these books is a rollicking good time. They allow me to celebrate what I like most in the world: adorable dogs, intriguing men, devoted friends, quirky families, holidays, and above all… true love.  There will be hair-raising moments along the way to keep you guessing, but count on a glorious happily-ever-after for dogs and humans.

All that said, you don’t need to be a dog lover to love Dog Town. I’ve been publishing romantic comedies for nearly twenty years. The dogs are just a fun new twist. 

The books all stand alone, but if you’d like to travel the seasons with the residents of Dorset Hills, here’s the list: 

    Bitter and Sweet (Labor Day)
    A Match Made (Thanksgiving)
    Lost and Found (Christmas)
    Calm and Bright (Christmas)
    Tried and True (New Year's)
    Dog Town: The Holiday Collection (Holiday Boxed Set)
    Yours and Mine (Valentine’s Day)

Enjoy this heartwarming new series and stand by for more. In the meantime, you can learn more about me and my books at https://sandyrideout.com/ or https://collinsrideout.com/

As for my real life inspiration, here they are now. (Don't mention the booties, they're sensitive.)
 

Mabel and Riggs

Books for the Girl in All of Us

Yvonne Collins and I recently got the rights back to some books previously published by Hyperion-Disney and we’re reissuing them with pretty new covers.

These books were originally meant for teens, but as I’ve been proofreading them again, I've really enjoyed them. Don’t tell anyone, but I actually laughed out loud… at my own words. Or more likely Yvonne’s words. She’s been making me laugh since we met while working in the public library at the ages of 13 and 15.

These books are sweet and sassy coming of age tales—stories you could read on your own and then share with the teens in your lives. They’re clean romantic comedies for girls of all ages--especially now that I’ve extracted the swear words. I’m surprised Disney let us swear that much!

They’re all guaranteed to make you laugh, and whisk you back to the blush of first love in high school.

Plus, they have well over 1,000 5-star ratings on Goodreads! 

The Black Sheep

Just a guy and a girl… and a million viewers.

Kendra Bishop is so frustrated with her conservative parents that she agrees to swap families as part of a reality TV show called The Black Sheep. Leaving Manhattan behind, she joins the free-spirited Mulligans in Monterey, California, along with their five kids, a pet ferret and an ever-present camera crew.

Just down the hall is her hot new TV “brother,” Mitch, who initially wants nothing to do with the show or Kendra. But when she embraces the family’s environmental cause at the aquarium, he warms up … at least until Judy, the show’s scheming producer, shamelessly exploits their budding romance for ratings. 

With the nation watching, can Kendra outwit Judy and discover the true meaning of love and family? Can she ever go home again, even if she wants to?

A bright and breezy fish-out-of-water romance for the girl in all of us.  Get it now!

"Kendra is an admirable character who discovers inner strength while thrust in a sink-or-swim environment." ~ Kirkus Reviews

Girl v. Boy

A high school wallflower gets feisty in an anonymous battle-of-the-sexes newspaper column. Will the rival writers still hate each other when the masks come off?

Luisa Perez likes to play it safe on the sidelines, but when she’s asked to pen an anonymous column for the school paper about a city-wide literacy fundraiser, she can’t say no. Writing might just be her ticket to college, and away from her abrasive drop-out sister. 

Disguised as “Newshound,” Lu reports on fundraising events from the female perspective, while rival columnist, “Scoop,” offers the male point of view. With an enticing prize on offer, the war of words heats up fast. 

In the midst of the school’s epic battle of the sexes, Luisa starts falling for a smart, sweet guy. But can she ever trust him knowing what Scoop has said about the primitive programming in the average male’s brain? 

Luisa vows to do whatever it takes to expose Scoop and win the competition for the girls—even if it gets her in deep trouble and costs her an amazing boyfriend. Because all’s fair in love, war and high school journalism… right?  Get it here! 

"This enjoyable, thought-provoking battle of the sexes highlights literacy's importance and the power of the written word to hurt, heal, and inspire." ~ Booklist

Love, Inc.

When three girls get their hearts broken by the same guy, they don't just get mad, they get even. And then they get rich.

Zahra, Kali, and Syd meet by chance in group counselling for teens of divorced families. When cheerful, diplomatic Zahra discovers they’re all dating one nefarious charmer, she’s devastated.

Rico had been her rock and sole confidant. How could she have missed the signs? Did the misunderstandings and culture clashes within her own family make her blind to the truth in relationships?

Kali and Syd are equally distressed by the betrayal, and the three girls join forces to show the cheater the folly of his ways. The mission is such a success that other teens offer to pay for their consulting services, and “Love, Incorporated” is born.

Soon they’re so busy with matchmaking, mediation and meting out revenge that Zahra lets down her guard and risks romance again. But when business gets too demanding, can she handle the pressure without falling apart?  Or will Love, Inc. sink into oblivion?

A laugh-out-loud story about the redeeming powers of friendship, love and family…

"Genuinely endearing, narrator Zahra reacts authentically to betrayal… Smart dialogue and a hip cast of characters keep the story engaging." ~ Kirkus Reviews

Bad for Business (Love, Inc. #2)

Can you put a price on love? Kali, Zahra and Syd sure can. Especially when so many romance-challenged teens are willing to pay for their help. 

Kali Esposito, matchmaker extraordinaire, couldn’t be happier that Love, Inc., the relationship management service she created with best friends, Syd and Zahra, is back in business. After a brief setback, the girls are once again using their skills to help lovelorn teens to break-up, make-up or take-up with someone new.

Fun, flirtatious Kali is cautious about commitment herself—no big surprise when your mom has racked up multiple divorces—but she’s a diehard romantic when it comes to bringing other people together. What’s more, her end-to-end makeovers can transform the most socially-challenged client into a confident charmer. The “Kali Method” she develops helps Love, Inc. expand beyond what the girls had dared hope.

But when a competitor steals the Kali Method and corrupts it to turn average guys into devious players, Kali is forced to rethink her views on love.  Can she come up with a plan to reclaim Love, Inc.’s trade secrets before every girl in Texas gets her heart broken… including her own?
This sequel to Love, Inc. draws you right back into the heartwarming, hilarious adventures of three irrepressible romantics… 

Yvonne Collins and Sandy Rideout are the authors of sweet, sassy romantic comedies and coming of age tales. Learn more about them and their books at www.collinsrideout.com and www.sandyrideout.com.

Mistletoe and the Mysterious Missing Mutt

---

Holidays are serious business in Dorset Hills, so I worked hard during the dog days of summer to get my festive stories lined up.

Last week, the season kicked off with a Thanksgiving-themed novel, A Match Made in Dog Town.

Pooches are her passion. 
Someone is out to shut down her shelter. 
Can she save her rescues and her home before it's too late?

This week, jingle bells are ringing with Lost and Found in Dog Town - a Christmas rom-com with a mysterious twist.

A mischievous mutt is missing.
A dognapper is playing a dangerous game.
Can she solve the riddle without putting her beloved pup and her family at risk?

Why would anyone steal the dog of a hardworking community nurse and single mom? And at Christmas, no less—the biggest day on the Dorset Hills social calendar.

But there’s a side to sweet George that Mim never knew. She’s always been a little blind to the males in her life. That’s a mistake she won’t make again with Carver Black, the handsome neighbor with the chip on his shoulder.

Carver wanted George gone… but he wasn’t the only one. Suspects are popping up all over and Dog Town isn’t taking the situation seriously. Christmas has always made the city silly and this year is worse than ever.

When the threats turn deadly, Mim puts her safety on the line to protect her home and family. But will it be enough?

The series picks up in a couple of weeks on New Year's Eve with Tried and True in Dog Town, which you can pre-order now, along with Yours and Mine in Dog Town.  

You can learn more about the series here. 

Meanwhile, if you're really ready to dive into the holiday season, try the sample of Lost and Found in Dog Town below.  

This series is great fun to write. I hope you'll visit Dog Town and decide to stay for a very long time!

Welcome to Dog Town

Where have I been all this time?

Hanging out in Dog Town!

Formally known as Dorset Hills, Dog Town is the best destination for dogs and dog lovers in North America. It’s small enough to be charming and big enough for a hint of mystery. The people are quirky and the dogs are real characters.

I’ve written four books in a new series of romantic comedies that will be released over the next couple of months. The series opens with Bitter and Sweet in Dog Town.

Two unexpected homecomings to a dog-crazy town. A secret that binds three hearts to the past. Can one spoiled beagle sniff out the truth at last?

Remi Malone has conquered lifelong shyness with help from Leo, her unofficial therapy dog. The promotion she craves is finally within reach. All she needs to do is land a big donation for the hospital foundation from a visiting heiress.

Hannah Pemberton isn't thrilled about being back in Dorset Hills to open an exhibit of her late mother's art. "Dog Town" has become a joke and the visit is stirring up old ghosts. She can't even remember Remi, the hometown advocate.

Tiller Iverson broke Remi's heart in high school and left town 12 years ago. Now he's back with his annoying dog, using his charm on Hannah to win the donation and the job Remi wants. He only has Labor Day weekend to pull it off.

Everyone's stressed... even Leo. And when Leo's misdeeds get him barred from duty, Remi's budding confidence is shaken. She'll never get the second chance she deserves without her canine sidekick. 

But in Dorset Hills, where there's a dog there's usually a way.

I’ll post the first chapter of Bitter and Sweet below.  I invite you to join my mailing list to learn more about this story and those to come. I have several fun giveaways for readers.

Hope to see you over in Dog Town, where the canine citizens are always stealing the spotlight. If you like laugh-out-loud tales, delightful characters, and small-town capers, then you'll love these light-hearted novels.

In the meantime, take a look around my website! 

Chapter 1

Newcomers to Dorset Hills were often surprised to learn that its celebrated rolling hills weren’t necessarily the main attraction. While the hillside trails were certainly well-used, it was the boardwalk along Lake Longmuir that drew the real crowds. In a small city hailed as being the best place in North America for dogs and dog lovers, a proper promenade was an absolute must. There was no point in having a rare breed in “Dog Town” if you couldn’t show it off.
   Remi Malone went down to the boardwalk on her lunch break most days. Given a choice, she wouldn’t have left her desk in the basement of the old mansion that served as headquarters for the Dorset Hills Hospital Foundation. Although it was dank, dim and dingy down there, it was also the perfect hideaway for an introvert.
   She wasn’t given a choice, however. Leo always insisted they go out. When the clock in the City Hall tower chimed noon, the 19-pound beagle left whatever he was doing to stare at Remi with soulful eyes. If that didn’t work, he escalated to a whine. And if that didn’t work, he unleashed the notorious beagle howl intended to carry for miles on a fox hunt. Leo wasn’t as dumb as some people chose to think.
   On Thursday August 29th, Remi rose from her desk on Leo’s first cue. She leashed him and came upstairs to collect her colleague and friend, Arden Lee.
   “I feel lucky today,” Remi said, admiring the fundraising poster Arden was designing on a huge monitor. “Game on?”
   Arden saved her work before turning. “You poor thing. I know how hard losing’s been for you, and yet you keep trying.”
   Remi laughed. “Enjoy your lead while it lasts, my friend. You’ll be sucking my dust after lunch.”
   “Then remind me to floss later.” Arden grabbed a little mirror and carefully selected a lipstick from the dozens lined up in her desk drawer. An artist to the core, she considered her pretty face another canvas. Her eyes looked either blue or grey depending on her makeup, and her shiny dark hair made them pop.
   Dogspotting, the game they’d invented, added a bit of spice to their lunchtime strolls. It ran on a simple points system. All they had to do was identify rare dogs, reel off unique breed traits and ideally get a photo for their digital scrapbook. Arden had recently taken the lead for the first time with sightings of a Dogue de Bordeaux and a schipperke, both new to Dorset Hills. This rankled with Remi no end. Unlike her friend, she had an encyclopedic knowledge of the world’s approximately 350 dog breeds. But Arden had proven a quick study and shamelessly capitalized on Remi’s unwillingness to ask strangers for pictures of their dogs.
   As usual, they tried to sneak past their director’s office on the way out. Leo had other plans and stopped in Marcus Tremblay’s doorway to wag his skinny white tail. The dog never stopped selling, even when someone refused to buy. Marcus disliked dogs in general and kept hand sanitizer in his pocket in case Leo happened to touch him.
   “Hey, Remi,” Marcus called. “How’s your report coming?”
   “You’ll have it by two, like I promised.” She never missed a deadline but Marcus objected to their lunchtime constitutional on principle. Butts in seats made him happy.
   “I’d like to read it over lunch. If it’s ready.”
   She peered in at him. Unlike her dungeon cell, his office was bright and airy with white plastic chairs, a red metal clock and picture frames in primary colors. Marcus himself was the kind of guy you’d overlook were it not for his big spade-shaped beard and handlebar mustache. Remi called it a “statement beard” and she didn’t much like what it was saying
   The guilt trip often worked on Remi but Arden had Marcus’ number. “Can we get you anything while we’re out, boss? How about a flat white cappuccino?”
   He drummed his fingers, deciding whether to push it. “Okay. But don’t be gone too long. You know we’re short-staffed through Labor Day.”
   Remi waited till they merged with pedestrian traffic on Main Street before grumbling, “As if I’d be missed.”
   Arden checked over her shoulder to make sure the coast was clear. “Of course you’d be missed, Cinderella. Where would Marcus be without his researcher?”
   They walked past the hospital itself, which somehow glittered less than City Hall, despite being built from exactly the same brick. After that came the shops. Some, like Bertucci’s Fine Meats, predated Dorset Hills’ transformation into Dog Town. Others, like the Lucky Dog Barkery, Puptown Girl Fashions, and the Paws and Relax Spa were the direct result of it.
   “I wish he’d see me as more than a researcher,” Remi said. “I’m ready for a promotion.”
   “Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard this whine before. Tell him, not me.”
   “I shouldn’t have to. I’ve found tons of great leads that turned into donations. Why wouldn’t he just promote me since there’s a client management job available?”
   Leo stopped to leave his mark outside the Law Society building. Landscapers had already planted fall flowers in city-sanctioned yellow, orange and white. Council left little to chance, even where vegetation was concerned. Remi wondered if something nefarious had befallen a riotous English garden in her neighborhood recently. It had been clear-cut overnight. There was no place for pink daisies in Dog Town anymore, it seemed.
   “Be like Leo,” Arden said, as the dog sparingly sprinkled a shrub. He had a big tank for a small dog, but there was still a lot of ground to cover. “Stake out your turf, Remi.”
   “I wouldn’t know how. Marcus scares me.”
   “Oh, he’s all beard and no bite. Just offer him a juicy lead and tell him you’ll manage the client relationship. Then go and get that donation.”
   “Easy for you to say.” Remi frowned as she wove through the crowd. People were pushy and impatient today. End of summer blues, probably.
   “You’re ready for this,” Arden said. “Claim it.”
   “I have sniffed out a potential lead, actually. Hannah Pemberton is unexpectedly coming to town this weekend.”
   Arden turned to catch Remi with a stare. “Of the billionaire Pemberton family?”
   “The same. We went to school together. Her family moved to New York City after senior year and as far as I know she’s never been back. On Sunday, she’s opening an exhibit of her late mother’s art at the Barton Gallery.”
   Arden stopped and the foot traffic flowed around her. “Remi, this is it! The break you’ve been waiting for. Marcus always gives the lead to the person with the best connection.”
   “I’m not sure she’ll remember me. Back then, Cinderella would have been a step up for me.”
   Leo allocated a few drops to the fire hydrant outside the Dog Town Tavern. Arden continued to stare at Remi. If she were a dog, she’d be sniffing the breeze for clues. Luckily, something caught her eye before she could press for details.
   “Bearded collie!” she called out. “Three points.”
   “Old English sheepdog. Honestly, Arden. I’d dock you for that if we were actually on the boardwalk.”
   In a few minutes, they stepped off the sidewalk and onto the long wooden trail that ran for about a mile along the shore. For all its popularity, it wasn’t particularly attractive. The City had been uncharacteristically slow to exploit its potential. However, the new mayor, Bill Bradshaw, had promised a boardwalk facelift during his campaign.
   Remi saw a small white dog romping in the distance. Could it be…? Surely not... But it was!
   “Pumi!” she shouted. “Hungarian herding dog. Non-shedding. Semi-erect ears. Curly tail. Whimsical expression. Recognized by the AKC in 2016. Plural is Pumik.”
   “Whimsical?” Arden got out her phone to confirm. “Did you memorize the entire kennel club website?”
   Picking up Leo, Remi raced toward the white dog. It felt as if her luck was turning.
   The dog’s owner was a rangy woman in cargo pants and a safari-style shirt. She was startled at the running footsteps but her expression softened when she saw Leo, and she reached for his long, satiny ears. Dog people could never resist those ears.
   “Sorry to bother you,” Remi said. “I just wondered if your dog is a pumi.”
   The owner’s face lit up. “Why, yes. You’re the first person in Dorset Hills to know that.”
   While they chatted, Remi put Leo down and he gave the pumi a perfunctory sniff. Leo was usually indifferent to dogs. His main interests in life were people and food—usually in reverse order.
   Remi finally summoned the nerve to ask for a photo. Afterwards, she waited till the owner was out of earshot before jumping off the boardwalk and kicking up the sand. “Eat my dust, girlfriend.”
   Arden joined her in the sand, grinning. “Put your competitive streak away. No one wants to see that in public.”
   “Competitive? Who me?”
   “The seeds were always there but they’ve clearly been growing in your basement lair.”
   “Spores, not seeds,” Remi said. “Like mushrooms.”
   Arden’s expression was serious. “You really have changed, Remi. When we met, you hid behind your hair and glasses and hardly said a word. Once in a while you’d make a brilliant comment and people would be shocked.”
   “Then I’d hide in the basement for ages before trying again.” Remi leaned over and picked up Leo. “I owe it all to this guy. When Marcus let me bring him to work everything changed. He’s my unofficial therapy dog.”
   Leo lolled in her arms. He adored being adored. Remi had to remind herself of his trainer’s warning that he was a dog, not a baby, because Leo himself seemed to forget. Sometimes when she set him down he’d refuse to lower his landing gear.
   “Well, Leo is going to get you the promotion you want.”
   “Do you hear that, Leo?” Remi said. “Go get my promotion. Get it.”
   She lifted Leo high and spun in a circle until his white legs and tail flew out. Suddenly there was a yelp, and it didn’t come from Leo.
   “Ouch, geez!” A tall man in running shorts lurched backwards. His hand went up to his face. “Did you just hit me with a beagle?”
   “I’m sorry!” Remi dropped Leo onto the sand. The man was shirtless and sweat dripped from his square chin onto his muscular chest. He moved his hand and revealed two long scratches from Leo’s claws on his tanned cheek.
   The jogger pushed his shades up to stare at Remi with bright blue eyes. “That dog is a lethal weapon. Are you licensed to carry?”
   Arden laughed, but Remi was too flustered to be sure he was joking. Then she looked down and immediately dropped to her knees. “Oh my god. Is this a Tibetan mastiff?”
   “Rocky? Yeah.” The jogger grinned down at her.
   “The most expensive dog in the world,” Remi said, flicking her eyes at Arden. The huge black and tan dog sniffed the hand she offered warily, and then allowed her to pat his head. “It’s a fierce guardian breed that only has one annual estrus.”
   The jogger’s eyebrows went up. “One what?”
   “Heat cycle,” Remi said, her cheeks warming. “Not that Rocky needs to worry about that, I guess.”
   The guy looked at Arden. “Your friend is… interesting.”
   “Isn’t she?” Arden laughed again. “Rocky’s got her addled.”
   “A Tibetan mastiff in Dorset Hills,” Remi said, still on her knees. “I can’t believe it.”
   “Just visiting,” the guy said.
   Remi stared up at him, shading her eyes. “It’s so hot.”
   His eyebrows rose again. “Pardon me?”
   “Rocky shouldn’t be running with you. His coat is meant for a cold mountain climate.”
   The guy rolled his eyes. “It was just a short lap up and down the boardwalk.”
   Sticking out her hand, Arden said, “I’m Arden, and the dog authority is Remi.”
   “James. Well, I’d better get Rocky back and put him in the freezer.” He grinned at Remi. “Kidding.”
   James’ eyes were the lightest, clearest blue Remi had ever seen. Like a Siberian husky’s. They were so intimidating that it was hard to ask, but she knew she might never get another chance. “May I take a photo?”
   “Uh… I could use a shower first,” he said.
   “Of your dog!”
   Taking her phone, James nudged Rocky over to stand beside her. Leo ambled into the shot as well. After taking the photo, James typed something into the phone and handed it back. “Now I have your contact information in case these scratches go septic.”
   “He’s joking, Rems,” Arden said. “Aren’t you, James?”
   “Probably.” He backed away slowly. “How’s this, Officer Remi? Slow enough for Rocky?”
   “Perfect,” she called after him. “Sorry about your face.”
   When he was gone, Arden shook her head. “I wouldn’t count on him asking you out, Remi. You were a little hard on his ego.”
   “Fine with me. Not my type anyway.” She didn’t think much of someone who’d put his own needs before his dog’s. Plus, who needed a breed that expensive? It was like driving a Corvette when any beater would do.
   “Rich and stunning is exactly my type,” Arden said. “But they’re as rare as Tibetan mastiffs in Dorset Hills.”
   “Well, you can have him. I can only focus on one thing at a time, and right now, that’s getting ahead in my career.”
   Arden checked her phone. “Let’s grab Marcus’ coffee so that he’s in a good mood later. Leave Leo with me when you pitch him, okay?”
   A wave of anxiety washed over Remi. “I need Leo. I don’t want to be alone with that beard.”
   “My friend, you got this,” Arden said. “No one keeps Remi in the basement.”

* * *

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Riggs Rideout: Dog Model - The Exclusive Interview

If you missed getting your copy of Riggs Rideout: Dog Model - The Exclusive Interview, sign up for my newsletter here.  

You'll get the latest on my new releases, plus some fun giveaways. 

It's all in the headshots!

Riggs Rideout: A Modest Proposal for Addressing Toronto's Raccoon Problem

Dear City of Toronto Officials:

Late last night I went into the backyard and there she was, watching me:  Big Mama, the resident raccoon. A year ago, I exchanged harsh words with Big Mama.  I suggested that she take the brood of five she’d stashed under our deck and hit the road.  She argued that she was higher up the food chain than I am.  The debate was long and loud, and did not end well for me. 

The next day, my owner (AKA “Mom”) called pest control to evict Big Mama.  For $400, the guy put the babies in what looked like a beer cooler and set it in the corner of the yard.  At nightfall, Big Mama collected her evil spawn and moved to someone else’s yard.  But they kept coming back to taunt me.  Their petty squabbles as they raided the garbage bins disrupted my sleep all summer long.  I got hoarse from barking.

Working hard at nothing

Now, Big Mama is back and she’s smirking.  She’s laid five more masked eggs and the cycle is about to begin again.

I know City Officials get a lot of complaints about this topic.  Toronto is called “the Raccoon Capital of the World” and it isn’t a compliment.  A 2014 poll showed that the majority of Torontonians supported the idea of humanely culling raccoons to control their population. No one bothered to poll me, but you know how I’d have voted. 

Mom, not so much.  She thinks the baby ’coons are cute and loves the nickname “Trash Pandas.” That said, she worries about disease, and curses when she cleans up their poop and the garbage.  And it really annoys her that I cannot pee if Big Mama is in the vicinity.  Basically, I have bladder paralysis from spring to late fall and must be escorted down the street to relieve myself. 

On top of all this, they infringe on my walk, which I’m sure you know is the highlight of every dog’s day.  In recent years, the City has seen fit to eliminate most of the public waste bins in my neighborhood, and the remaining few are designed to be raccoon proof.  Which also makes them practically human-proof.  The foot pedals don’t work and no one wants to touch the dirty flap. So Mom has mapped out a route with a dumpster to offload poop bags. 

Would you like your life to be restricted by dumpsters and Trash Pandas?  

Making an honest living in the ravine

I’ve heard that there are as many as 100 raccoons per square kilometre in some Toronto neighborhoods.  That means they outnumber dogs by far and maybe even humans.  Perhaps that’s why City Hall treats them like esteemed taxpayers.  I remind you, they are not—and they’re not even owned and licenced by taxpayers, as dogs are. 

   

What exactly do they offer?  Yes, photos of the masked marauders zip around social media like wildfire.  But for every cutie climbing a crane, riding a subway, or visiting a classroom, there are dozens ripping up houses, sheds and even boats.  Let’s not even talk about rabies and distemper.

I know how government works:  you’ve held meetings about Citizen Raccoon.  You’ve generated policy papers, briefing notes, and Powerpoint decks galore. No one wants to make tough decisions or generate negative headlines. 

That’s where I, Riggs Rideout, come in.  Have I got a solution for you!  It’s humane, too. As a minor celebrity, I’m well aware of the importance of public perception. What I propose is a win-win for everyone.

A very special shawl

I present a photo for your inspection.  This attractive garment is a shawl, or pashmina, worn by one of Mom’s colleagues.  The tag says it’s 50 per cent raccoon fiber.  The owner gets a lot of compliments, and claims it’s very warm. 

City Officials, you can guess where I’m going here.  This is a tremendous opportunity.  Raise your hands and vote for the Toronto Trash Panda Pashmina.  Put those pests to work!

All you need to do now is round up them up and drive them to that land you can’t develop for "classified" reasons.  Treat them like royalty.  Hire limos and put them up in a Trash Panda resort if you like.  Feed them well with the food waste you’re constantly trying to unload (and no one believes you’re really recycling, anyway). Sing them lullabies if you must, so they sleep well and grow fur in abundance. And then… comb them.  Gather that lovely hair, and hire skilled craftspeople to knit up those shawls. 

With the right marketing, Toronto’s Trash Panda Pashmina could become the must-have souvenir.  I envision them in every tourist trap. Give them away to celebrities at the Toronto Film Festival, and every high profile event. 

The benefits to the City are many: job creation; waste reduction; happy homeowners; and lower heating costs (a pashmina for every taxpayer!). 

 

I’d add “happy dogs” to that list, but you don’t seem to care much about canine citizens.  That’s a shame, because as rising dog model I stand to attract a lot of attention to this fair city.

 

With my busy schedule, it’s tough to volunteer, but I’d be pleased to be part of the Trash Panda Project.  I assume you allow dogs in City Hall? I’m quite sure the raccoons are already there.

I look forward to presenting my proposal in person at your earliest convenience.

Respectfully yours, 

Riggs Rideout,

Dog Model